The Worst Board Game Ever

So there’s this board game called Quelf, whose name unfortunately sounds very similar to a certain type of flatulence, and I’m going to make the bold statement right here and now that it is probably one of the worst board games ever.

Why?

Well because, no thanks to Hulu Plus, I have been subjected several times to this commercial:

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Now, as you can see from the commercial, Quelf appears to be the craziest and most super fun game every created. Like, super super super crazy fun. Like, so friggin fun it makes you want to tear your eyes out. I mean, honestly, even if a group of people are drunk (notice how there are no beer bottles strewn around the room, or even random drugs), how can they possibly have that level of excitement for a stupid board game? And not only that, did you notice the people standing in the background, apparently so entranced and amused by the Quelf players? Seriously, who goes to a party and just stands around and watches other people have the time of their life playing a board game? Or is this apparently a thing now? Do people really go crazy over board games? If that’s the case, please oh please never invite me over to your party. I might just end up tearing my eyes out. Then again, that’s probably more appealing then playing Quelf.

And The Nano Winners Are …

From Ben White at Nanoism:

This year we converted $50 in prize money into $400 of charitable donations to wonderful organizations working from animal health to global health, clean water to fighting hunger. Thanks to everyone who donated! Without further ado, here are Robert Swartwood’s selections for this year:

  1. Johnna Talbot
  2. Pat Tompkins
  3. Sarah Stanton

Honorable mention: Jackie Bateman

Winners will be published beginning this week, starting with our honorable mention and running through Monday the 23rd, when our big (but equally small) winner will go live. Thank you everyone for your generosity.

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Thanks too to everyone who entered the Stripped giveaway contest. I failed to announce a winner on Saturday because I ended up taking a road trip with Brian Keene to Wilkes-Barre to see Nick Mamatas, who had been more or less stranded there due to weather. You can read about some of the trip here and here.

So now, without further ado, the randomly selected winner of the Stripped anthology is …

RichardPF

Congrats, Richard! Email me your mailing address to robert (at) robertswartwood (dot) com when you get a chance, and I’ll ship out a copy of Stripped sometime after the launch party February 4th.

Yes, Man Of Wax Is Disturbing

So I mentioned before how free e-books welcomed one-star reviews, right? Well, Man of Wax just got its first:

I was excited to begin this book as it sounded like it would be different sort of mystery. I prefer mysteries and do not need to tell you that many are very similar. With that said, I read about 15 percent and stopped abruptly when I came to a disturbingly gruesome part. I could not remove this book from my kindle fast enough!

I have to be honest — I sort of love this review. Yes, Man of Wax is not for all readers. It’s disturbing on many levels. In fact, right now it’s probably my darkest book. However, the one-star review doesn’t play well with Amazon’s algorithm, so if you’ve read Man of Wax and enjoyed it, please considering reviewing it. And if you haven’t picked it up yet, I advise you to do so quickly. Like, really quickly.

Only A Few Days Left …

To enter the Hint Fiction Film Contest. Hurry!

So E-Far, So E-Good

The free promotion for Man of Wax and Phantom Energy started just this morning, and already Man of Wax has gotten here:

Yes, that’s right — it’s in the top 100. After No Shelter had managed to sneak into the top 100 last week, I doubted Man of Wax would be able to replicate the same success. In fact it’s done even better. Why? Who knows. There really isn’t any rhyme or reason for why a free book is downloaded more than another free book, as far as I can tell, and the only promotion I did was here on this website and links posted on Twitter and Facebook.

As of right now, Man of Wax has been downloaded over 14,000 times since this morning. Phantom Energy? About 150.

Anyway, the inevitable response will be something along the lines of Yeah, that’s great and all, but why in the blue blazes are you giving away your stuff for free anyhow?

I was actually asked this question just the other day, and my answer then was the same as it is now: Why not?

If you believe that every free download is a missed sale, you have a lot to learn about the publishing business — or practically any business. Companies — such as, you know, publishers — give away products all the time. Free is always the best form of promotion (which isn’t the same as pirating, but that’s a whole other discussion for another time … though I will say that, while I think pirating is wrong, I don’t lose sleep over the fact that several of my e-books are currently available on torrent websites).

Of course not every person who downloads the book is actually going to read it, but for the few seconds it took them to download it, they at least saw the cover and title and my name. And who knows, maybe they will read it at some point. Yet out of the 14,000 downloads so far for Man of Wax, how many readers will actually try the book? I’d be happy with even a tenth of that number, but I think that’s being too generous. Then again, maybe not. After all, the whole point here is to be read, plus — wink, wink — the second book in the trilogy is slated to be released this April …

The downside of free promotion, however, is that not everyone is going to like whatever it is that’s free. This seems to be especially the case with free e-books. In my experience, many one-star reviews are the result of free e-books. It seems readers who don’t care for a book they didn’t pay anything for find it their duty to tell the world. And you know what? That’s okay. No writer’s work is ever universally loved.

But you know the massive upside of free promotion, especially at Amazon? The more free downloads, the more your book gets recommended, both during the free promotion … and even after.

Last year No Shelter sold around 300 copies. That’s 300 copies for the entire year of 2011.

After last week’s free promotion, No Shelter sold nearly 300 copies in just one day.

Let me repeat that — No Shelter sold nearly 300 copies in just one day.

So think about that.

And while you’re thinking about it, download Man of Wax and Phantom Energy if you haven’t done so already. Did I mention they’re FREE?

In Which I Get Stripped

I have a new story in Stripped: A Collection of Anonymous Flash, edited by Nicole Monaghan, which is available in paperback from Amazon and Lulu. Here’s the product description:

Stripped is a collection with a twist. Yes, the fiction contained herein includes works from some of the best-known names in flash fiction as well as the work of emerging writers, but the bylines have been removed so you can’t tell who wrote what. What’s more, the stories hinge largely on gender roles — but with the authors’ identites stripped from their stories, editor Nicole Monaghan has created a bit of a guessing game. Did a woman, for example, write that piece about ambivalence toward motherhood? Or was it a man? More to the point, does it really matter? Or is there something bigger going on when men and women stretch their minds and imagine what it might be like to be the other?

Yes, that’s right — I have a story in this wonderful collection, but I can’t tell you what that story is. What I can tell you is this is one of my recent favorite flash pieces. I wrote it last summer on a whim, taking a break from a novel, and wasn’t sure where to send it. Then Nicole emailed asking me if I would like to contribute, which was ironic timing because the story itself was perfect for what she was looking for. So I’m very pleased to be included in here with my story, which will be matched up to my name (as well as the rest of the authors in this collection) next year at Nicole’s website.

I must say, it’s a great concept, because really, does the author’s gender (or racial background, or religious views, etc) influence the reader?

Of course it does, even if they don’t want to admit it.

There have been books in the past that I read where I immediately assumed the gender of the narrator based on the author’s gender. The most recent example is Death Wishing by Laura Ellen Scott. I knew the basic idea of the novel before I started reading it, but not about the main character. So at first I thought the narrator — the novel is written in the first person, you see — was a woman. I was wrong.

Ultimately, does it matter what the author’s gender or racial background or religious views or whatever are? Or is the story the only thing that matters?

Besides bringing readers great entertainment, hopefully this anthology will spark a lively conversation among writers and readers about the important (or lack thereof) of gender in storytelling.

There will be a launch party for Stripped on Saturday, February 4th, at Fergie’s Pub in Philadelphia. It starts at 2 pm. If you’re in the area, try to stop by. I’ll be there, as well as will several other contributors. We’ll be reading randomly from the anthology. It will be fun!

And while I’m there, I plan to get Nicole and as many contributors as possible to sign a copy of the anthology that I plan to give away … now.

To win a copy of Stripped signed by the editor and several of the contributors, let me know what novel or story you’ve read with a narrator whose gender was opposite of the author (like Death Wishing which I mentioned above, or Dolores Claiborne by Stephen King). The deadline for this giveaway contest is this Friday at midnight, EST. A name will be picked randomly as the winner the next day. Get to it!

An Encore Of Free

Last week’s free promotion of No Shelter and The Dishonored Dead went so well, I decided I wanted to do it again. So for the next several days, the following e-books are free in the Kindle store — that’s right, FREE!

Kindle US / Kindle UK

Kindle US / Kindle UK

Again, these two e-books will be free for the next several days, so please do help spread the word by tweeting it, Facebooking it, Tumblring it, sky-writing it, and, if possible, telepathy-ing it to all your friends and family and neighbors. Thanks, and enjoy.

What Can You String Together?

For the week of February 12 through February 18, Flash Fiction Chronicles is having its fourth String-of-10 Contest—String-of-10 FOUR—for the best 250-word story written from a specific prompt: a series of ten words posted at FFC on February 12, 2012.

This year’s Guest Judge will be Robert Swartwood.

PRIZES STRING-OF-TEN FOUR FLASH FICTION CONTEST

1st Place: Winner will have his or her story published at Every Day Fiction in April, 2012 and be paid the standard payment of $3.00 per story. A copy of The Best of Every Day Fiction Four along with a copy of Pomegranate Stories by Gay Degani, editor of Flash Fiction Chronicles will also be awarded as well as an “I Write Every Day” t-shirt. As a special bonus this year, Robert has decided to throw in a copy of his own collection of (very) short fiction, Phantom Energy.

2nd and 3rd Place: Winners will have their stories published at Flash Fiction Chronicles in April. (There is no payment for publication at Flash Fiction Chronicles.) A copy of The Best of Every Day Fiction Four along with a copy of Pomegranate Stories by Gay Degani, the editor of Flash Fiction Chronicles will be awarded to 2nd and 3rd place winners.

GUIDELINES in Brief

  • The prompt for String-of-10 Four will be available at 12:01 on Sunday, February 12, 2012 here at FFC.
  • There is no entry fee.
  • Submit stories up to 250 words.
  • Enter up to two stories per author.
  • All stories must contain at least four words from the String-of-10.
  • Seamless integration of any four of the prompt words is the goal.
  • Entries must be received by 11:59 PDT Saturday, February 18.
  • Winners will be notified sometime in March 2012. Publications will follow in April.

The rest of the details, as well as links to past winning stories, here.

What About The “Book” Book?

Maybe we have to drop “books” from the way we think. I think that’s keeping us from not thinking as big and broadly as we need to.

I have authors come in and I suggest we start with e-books and then have a print companion later on and they say, “what about the ‘book’ book?”

What I see Hyperion as is a producer of great reading experiences in the form that someone enjoys.

Don’t trap yourself in the “’book’ book.” It’s wonderful and it’s been wonderful for many years, but the years of printing too many books and taking them back…it’s not really a great business model and we have an opportunity to create a better business model.

– Hyperion CEO Ellen Archer

On The Reading Mandate And Other Stuff

Walter Dean Myers has been named the National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature, and this is some of what he has to say about it:

“We all know we should eat right and we should exercise, but reading is treated as if it’s this wonderful adjunct. ‘Reading takes you to faraway places.’ We’re still thinking in terms of enticing kids to read with a sports book or a book about war. We’re suggesting that they’re missing something if they don’t read but, actually, we’re condemning kids to a lesser life. If you had a sick patient, you would not try to entice them to take their medicine. You would tell them, ‘Take this or you’re going to die.’ We need to tell kids flat out: reading is not optional.”

Now don’t get me wrong — I do believe that reading is crucial for kids (not to mention everyone no matter how young or old they might be). I mean, I did my student teaching in a high school where I dealt with seniors who never read any books and who could barely write a full and sensible paragraph. Granted, not all the seniors were like that, but there were enough to cause alarm. And it’s just getting worse. That’s why I find it shameful when people want to bash any kind of young adult books, whether they’re Harry Potter or Twilight, because at least they’re getting kids to read.

But, having said that, I do think it’s important — vitally important, really — that kids aren’t forced into reading. Because, just like with anything else, when you’re forced into something, nine times out of ten you become obstinate in doing whatever that something is.

So how do we get kids to read (and like reading, no less) without forcing it down their throats like, um, medicine?

I think I’ll leave that up to our new Ambassador to decide.

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Have you taken advantage of my two free e-books yet? If not, hurry, because the offer is only good for a few more days. Currently, No Shelter is killing it with over 12,000 free downloads and is, as of this writing, number 33 in the overall free Kindle store. The Dishonored Dead, on the other hand, is doing so-so, with about 1,100 free downloads. If you have taken advantage of these free downloads (and even if you haven’t and just want to be a nice person), help spread the word, huh? The more downloads, the better.

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My local newspaper did a nice write-up of what’s happened to me since the Hint Fiction anthology was released last year. (Hint: a lot.)

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The very cool and talented Roxane Gay gave Phantom Energy a nice shout-out on her end-of-year-blog-post where she talked about, among other things, all the books she read in 2011:

“I must say, I love this book. Swartwood’s short stories are quirky but they’re really fucking good. This is one of those books not enough people know about. The title story, in particular, is just amazing. Buy this book. For real.”

Thanks, Roxane!

If you don’t regularly read Roxane’s blog, do yourself a favor and fix that now. Plus, her first collection Ayiti is now available on Kindle for a very reasonable price, so check it out.