Spam I Am I Am

I don't know about you, but I've always found spam fascinating. Sure, it's a pain in the ass, but where does it come from? Who sends it out? How exactly does it end up in your spam folder or, if the spam lucks out, in your in-box? Michael Marshall (Smith) had a great theory about e-mail spam in his Straw Men trilogy. I won't give it away but just say that I thought it was brilliant, wish I had come up with it first.

Note too that I don't like these people. They're despicable, though not nearly as despicable as plagiarists. The thing about spammers is that it's a two-way street. They have to send out the e-mails, and someone has to respond. And let's face it, someone does respond, because why else would these spammers go to such lengths?  That, I think, is what I find most fascinating, that there are people out there that actually fall for this bullshit.

Anyway, the best way to avoid spam is to never put your e-mail address anywhere online, or if you must -- like I have on my contact page -- then mix up the address with (at)'s and (com)'s so whatever spam-crawler there is out there can't grab it.

I should have done the same thing when I posted the Hint Fiction submission address. Instead, like an idiot, I included the entire thing, even hyperlinked it, and you know what? The spammers had a field day. In fact, they're still having a field day, because when I log into the account every so often, the spam folder will be bulging with spam e-mails. Some even managed to sneak in undetected into the in-box. And I said to myself: I could delete these, sure, but what fun would that be?

So I opened one of them and responded, just to see what might happen. Below is the correspondence so far. Note that names and e-mail addresses have not been changed to exploit the guilty. Also, not a word of the spammer's e-mail has been touched (I personally think the people behind these scams are very intelligent and know proper grammar and write the e-mails this way to make them seem "more realistic").

from    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> to date    Sun, Oct 25, 2009 at 4:18 AM subject    Hi My New Friend, signed-by    sbcglobal.net

Hi My New Friend,

How are you? my name is Oulim George it is my great pleasure to contact you through this media requesting for a relationship and i know that you will grant my request in good faith and understanding while we see what happened in future.

I will be very happy if you can write me back so that l will tell you more about me and also send my picture and details about my self, you should remember that distance, color, language or race cannot be barriers. i will be waiting to hear from you,

Your new friend,

Miss Oulim,

And now here's my simple response to get the ball rolling:

from    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> to    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 12:17 AM subject    Re: Hi My New Friend, mailed-by    gmail.com

Hi -

I don't have many friends. Will you be my friend?

And then a pretty instant reply:

from    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> to    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 7:00 AM subject    Hello Dear signed-by    sbcglobal.net

Hello Dear, Thanks for your message. How are you,hope you are doing fine?I think you are the type of man i want in my life,i want someone who knows how to treat and take care of woman. Well,as a young girl i am seaching for a good friend and a man who is ready to love and be loved,a man who does not take advantage of women and a man who can be trusted,it does not matter where he comes from, nor race,as long as thier is understanding and love. I am a humble and gentle girl,I am very caring and i am the type who will do everything posisble to make my man happy so that the love which we shall have will be a lasting one. My name is Oulim George,i am 24yrs old,from Liberia. I do not smoke,i do not drink and i eat healthy food. My hobbies are swimming,listening to good music,especialy Rnb and gospel music, i like  reading books. I am a truthfull and well brought up girl from a good family.When my parents were alive,they thought me so many good things and even now they are no more i have seen the importance of getting a good upbringing. I believe life is about to learn every day. No one is perfect .I want to find someone to share happiness with me,well,not only happiness because life is not pink,but share difficult times too and make them easier with love and understanding.i hope that person is you.I am  looking forward to better days ahead as i feel this is the start of a great relationship.

This is all i can say about me for now,as time goes on and as we become more closer,i will tell you more about me and we can share more personal secrets with each other. I send my pics with this message.Please darling tell me more about yourself and give me your pics.I don't have my private number for now but you can call me on the Reverend number, his name is Pastor Davies. Cheers,

Oulim

Plus this picture (she must think she's Spider-man):

And then my reply:

from    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> to    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 5:32 PM subject    Re: Hello Dear mailed-by    gmail.com

Well, people would call me a masochist, but I think I'm just misunderstood. The stuff that happened to the animals wasn't my fault, and besides, the police were never able to prove any of it was my doing anyway. I like reading and watching DVDs and long walks on the beach. I also like huffing glue, notably Elmer's. I think they make the best glue to huff, must be something in the chemicals. Let's see ... I like pepperoni pizza, I like Spam sandwiches, I like parking in handicapped spaces at the mall even though I'm not handicapped just so that the real handicapped people have to park farther away. I steal cable because I love HBO but think it's too expensive otherwise. My favorite show of all time is Big Love, because he has three wives. What is your opinion on polygamy? I await your reply ...

And that's it for now. When there's more, you better believe I'll post it here.

NaNoWriMo Should Be NaNoWriYear

(This is an oldie but goodie from the old blog published November 1, 2008. Additional comments appear at the end. Feel free to leave your own.)

Today marks the first day for the tenth annual NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) and I want to wish everyone participating in it this year the best of luck.

I’ve never taken part in the program, but I did manage to write a 90k novel in three weeks – this was a few years back, in either September or October. And do you know what? It burned me out. I couldn’t write afterward for weeks. On the flipside though, it was that novel that helped me score my first agent, and while a publisher never picked it up, it got pretty good feedback from editors.

Still, looking back, that novel could have used more work …

Which brings me to yesterday’s post over at Genreville regarding the program. It’s worth taking a look.

Here’s my two cents: NaNoWriMo can be beneficial for those writers needing the excuse to sit themselves down in front of the computer and write. Because let’s face it, writing ain’t easy. We always make excuses not to do it – and with the Internet, checking e-mail and friends’ blogs and whatever else, time flies and then we realize there isn’t much time left to write so we put it off to the next day, and the next, and the next. But being with a program, with other writers helping to keep us in check, yeah, there’s definitely motivation there and less chance of falling behind.

However, I do agree with the Genreville post that the program might not be for everyone. After all, what’s more important – quality or quantity? We want to write well, make sure the words ring true, but it’s difficult (sometimes impossible) if there’s such a quick deadline. (Then again, nobody says that the 50k words you write has to be your final draft … or at least I don’t think so; I’ve never reviewed the official rules.)

I see NaNoWriMo kind of like making a New Year’s Resolution. Every year everyone promises themselves they will do this or not do that, but how long do they really keep it up? A few days, a few weeks, then that’s it. They say, well, I’ll try it again next year.

My question is: Why not renew your New Year’s Resolution EVERY DAY?

Just like: Why not work on a novel EVERY DAY?

Even if you commit yourself to writing 500 words a day (and really, what is that, an hour of work?), then you’ll end up with over 180,000 words. That’s basically two good-sized novels.

(Keep in mind, I’ve gotten past that whole writing-a-book-for-fun thing long ago; if you’re looking to make a career, write something that sells, you need to do what’s not just best for you, but for the novel itself.)

So whether or not you’re participating in NaNoWriMo (and if you are, more power to you), you need to ask yourself what’s more important in the end: quality or quantity. And then you have to ask yourself how you get to the one or the other. And then you have to do it. Whichever path you choose, good luck.

***

Okay, now a year later do I still agree with that? Yes. Obviously no first draft is perfect, and any writer who believes that is an idiot. But that's not the purpose of NaNoWriMo. The purpose is to get that first draft. But again, you have to put the book first, not the page count. Meaning, write as much as you can, but don't put too much emphasis on the word count. After all, it's not the word count that is ultimately the goal here. It's the novel itself. But you know what? I think I'm probably preaching to the choir. Can I get an amen?

Here's Your Treat, Now Get Off My Porch

Another busy week, but I should be caught up soon and posting more around here. Hopefully. In the meantime, I thought I'd partake in a little Flash Fiction Friday with a supernatural tale, a Halloween treat if you will. First though, I want to give a shout out to Joe Schreiber, whose Stars Wars novel Death Troopers debuted at #13 on the New York Times bestseller list. Very nicely done, Joe.

Anyway, remember awhile back I mentioned how the problem with writing for certain themed anthologies or magazines is that, if you don't sell the story, you're pretty much screwed? Well, that happened to me recently. Shroud magazine had a flash fiction contest a month or two back. My story was a semi-finalist, so I know it's not complete crap, and why I feel okay letting you see it now.

Before you read it though, understand that the stories for the contest had to do with this true news story. After reading the brief article, you probably see why the contest's theme makes it difficult to try to sell the story elsewhere. So that's why I'm presenting it to you, because you asked so nicely and I'd rather give you a treat than risk whatever trick you might have in store. Enjoy.

All the King’s Horses, All the King’s Men

A joke, that’s all it had been, just some dumb prank that was expected of teenagers because, come on, they’re kids, and like all kids, they make mistakes. But no, the authorities hadn’t seen it that way, neither did the school district, and so her son was suspended for a week, a week where he spent thirty hours of community service, like he was a real criminal and not a confused, misunderstood sixteen-year-old.

That had been two weeks ago, the worst week of their lives ever since Randall left — her husband having packed his bags and walked out the front door without looking back — and now something had happened to her son.

“Honey?” She knocked on his door. “Can I come in?”

No answer.

She let herself into the room. It was dark. She flicked the switch on the wall but the lamp wouldn’t come on.

“I took the bulb out.”

His voice, coming from the bed, startled her.

She cleared her throat. “Why?”

“It was too bright.”

“Honey … ” She started forward.

“Don’t. Please, Mom. Just leave me alone.”

“But — ”

“Please.”

She could barely see him in the dark, his face pale in the little light coming from the doorway.

She stood another moment, then turned to leave.

“I was telling the truth before,” he said. “I don’t know who it was.”

The other person, the one who had escaped in the Humpty Dumpty costume, what everyone assumed was a friend of Stuart’s.

“I don’t think … ” Stuart cleared his throat. “I don’t think anybody was in that suit. I think … it was empty.”

*

Later she found herself smoking, wanting to call someone but not knowing who to call. Her son — she hated to admit it — had gone crazy. Randall, she blamed Randall for this, wherever the hell he was. If he hadn’t left, Stuart wouldn’t be so messed up.

She sat at the kitchen table and went to light her fourth cigarette when upstairs she heard her son scream.

*

His door was locked.

“Stuart, open up!”

He cried out again, his voice unintelligible, then: “Here, he’s here!”

“What?” Thinking for an instant he meant his father. “Who?”

“Please, Mommy, make him go away!”

Her son, regressed to a boy again, sobbing for help.

“Honey” — she banged her fists on the door — “open up!”

“He wants … he wants me to fill his soul. He wants … he wants me to help put him back together again.”

Her son’s words, mixed with cries of pain, and then, suddenly, silence.

She stood very still.

“Honey?”

No answer.

She tried the knob again — this time it turned — and pushed the door open.

He was on the bed.

“Stuart?”

She started forward, was beside him an instant later. His face had gone completely ashen, his eyes open.

The light from the doorway faded, and she turned just in time to see the white curve of a giant egg disappear around the corner.

In Which I Nano Like It's 1999

I've been extremely busy this past week, which is why it's been awfully quiet around this here part of cyberspace, but I have a new hint fiction piece up today at the ultra-fine Nanoism.

Edited by Ben White, the journal is a "place for twitter-fiction," which means 99.9% of the time, the story can't play off a title like it would with a regular hint fiction piece because, well, Twitter doesn't allow such things.

So my piece doesn't have a title, but if I did have to title it (which I will), I would call it "Against the Sun."

Anyway, you can check that out here.

Enjoy your weekend.

Saturday Shuffle

Thank you to everyone who participated in the "Name That Monster" mini-contest. There were a lot of great suggestions, but unfortunately there can be only one winner, and this time our random winner is ...

Ben White

Ben's suggestion was to name the monster Raev, the Hebrew word for "hungry." Hey, works for me. Ben, e-mail me your address at robert (at) robertswartwood (dot) com and I'll ship off a copy of Fifty-Two Stitches posthaste.

Again, thanks to everyone who participated. And remember -- if you didn't win, don't blame me. Blame statistics.

Also, I'd mentioned weeks back that my pal Joe Schreiber had two new books coming out, one an original horror novel, the other a Star Wars horror novel. Well, they both came out this week and you -- yes, you -- really need to do yourself a favor and pick them up.

What's that, you say? You only have money to buy one of Joe's books this weekend? Fair enough. Then I suggest you pick up Death Troopers, the Star Wars novel, if only to help catapult Joe to the bestseller list. Next weekend you can pick up No Doors, No Windows. Oh, and do make sure to check out Joe's blog for updates regarding his tour, including pictures of him being guarded by none other than Darth Vader.