The Conspiracy Is Afoot

My Fellow Internet Blogging People: The most annoying thing about the Internet is once someone does something -- like, say, a list -- then everyone else has to bitch and moan and make up their own something -- like, say again, a list -- too.

Of course, there was the New Yorker's list, followed up yesterday by Dzanc's list (and let's not mention the pure marketing genius of announcing their huge sale right around the time this list came out), and I noticed something very alarming in both of the lists, something that is almost too shocking to even share but which I feel I must because for lists such as these to exist and gain respectability and, perhaps, legend, they must be well thought out and diverse and yadda yadda yadda, and the most disturbing thing I found from both lists is that -- ready for this? -- there are no Roberts included anywhere.

Yes, yes, it's true. See for yourself. Check the New Yorker's list again, and then Dzanc's list. No Roberts at all. But that, you may think, is not a big deal. Robert isn't a very common name. To which I say, all right, then how do you explain this extra layer? There are no first names that start with R! None at all! Don't you see? The New Yorker and Dzanc aren't just trying to box Roberts out of the glory of being on lists, but also anyone whose first names start with R! Obviously, they didn't want to tip everyone off to this massively global conspiracy just yet, which is why the New Yorker included Karen Russell, because at least her last name starts with R.

Isn't it clear now? Isn't it obvious? The New Yorker and Dzanc and everyone else involved is for some reason trying to wipe out writers whose first and last names start with R. It's not just Roberts. I don't know what it is they find morally objectionable about writers whose first and last names start with R, but this is a very slippery slope. If we let these lists continue, at some point the letter R will disappear in the middle of names too. Who knows, maybe their whole plan is to sta t wiping out the lette  f om the enti e wo ld! Somebody  eally needs to stop these i  esponsible hooligans now!

Thank you for you  time.

Since ely,

obe t Swa twood

P.S. Today's post b ought to you by the lette P.