A Penultimate Paragraph Winner

Let's be honest here -- a Penultimate Paragraph Contest is pretty absurd. But it's one of those things that's just so absurd it's awesome (or so I'd like to think). I received fourteen entries to the contest. They were all so great, and it was really impossible to choose (just how does one go about judging a penultimate paragraph -- which, by the way, means second to last), but in the end I went with my gut. The winner of the world's first Penultimate Paragraph Contest goes to Ravi:

Buntz and I get floggings from our parents. Buntz is grounded for four weeks and his parents put him on a low dosage of Yidalin—the kosher stimulant. I get six weeks—three for the accident, three more for keeping them in the dark and bothering poor Mr. Smothers instead. Mrs. Buntz bakes Mr. Smothers one of her famous Buntz cakes. Buntz gets no Buntz cake.

I laughed out loud every time I read that paragraph, and so I just had to award it as the winner. Ravi, e-mail me your address and which journal you'd like at robert (at) robertswartwood (dot) com.

For the runner-up, I asked the Twitterverse to pick a number between one and fourteen. @everydaycamille answered the call immediately with the number four. So there you go. The random prize winner is our fourth entrant Sophie Playle. Sophie, e-mail me your address, and whichever journal Ravi doesn't take will be sent to you.

Thank you to everyone who participated in the contest. It was a lot of fun. In many ways, it reminded me of a contest I had about a year ago. In fact, tomorrow is Hint Fiction's birthday. It'll be one whole year old. And while my lips are sealed at the moment, I am grateful to everyone who reads and visits this blog, so I'll simply say this: have you been practicing your hints?

Crazy Ass Cracka

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Seven Items

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My story "Seven Items In Jason Reynolds’ Jacket Pocket, Two Days After His Suicide, As Found By His Eight-Year-Old Brother, Grady" appears in the April issue of PANK. It was a finalist in PANK's very first 1,001 Awesome Words Contest. It's also a very special story for me in that it's the kind of story I've always really liked but could never place. So big thanks to everyone at PANK for giving this little story a home. I hope you all enjoy it, and when you're done, make sure to read the rest of the issue too.

"I'm Not Looking For More Money/Readership"

If the title of this post makes you go "huh?" then you're not alone. A couple weeks back I saw this posted in response to some question online that basically talked about making money for your writing. And considering who the writer was that posted the comment, I wasn't surprised at all, as this writer in question usually comes off as a douche.

Let's be honest here -- nobody creates art only for themselves. And I absolutely hate using the term art to begin with, but I guess that's the best way to describe novels and short stories and poems and whatever else. (Why do I hate using the term art? Because for some reason when I think of art I think of snooty assholes who want to talk about their amazing creations which usually aren't so amazing and treat everybody else like shit, and for the most part, writers aren't like that.)

You can't tell me that you're going to slave over your novel or story, spending hours and days and weeks and months, for no reason at all except the fact you feel it's your job as an artist to create something, and then when it's done you'll hide it away so nobody else will ever see it?

If that's the case, more power to you, but I'd say you fall into the .00001% of artists out there.

I know when I write something, I write it with the hopeful intent of eventually selling it. When I submit stories, I try to submit them to publications where, if accepted, they will be read by as many readers as possible.

Does that mean I'm not an arteest?

Now I'm no psychiatrist (I'm pretty sure the diploma I got in that cereal box wasn't real), but what I take away from that idiot writer's comment is simply a kind of defense mechanism. By saying "I'm not looking for more money/readership," the writer is basically ensuring that he will never fail. Because if he admits that yes, he would like more money/readership and more money or readers never comes, then there is cause for disappointment.

But you know what? Disappointment is just a part of being a writer. As writers we're disappointed all the time. That's just name of the game. Because we're writers, damn it, and that's what we do.

If that means I'll never be an arteest, then good. I'll take all the money/readership I can get.

P.S. A lot of great entries so far in the Penultimate Paragraph contest. Keep ’em coming in, folks! You have until Friday midnight to enter.

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Gimme Your Penultimate Paragraphs

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Next week is Hint Fiction's birthday, so it makes some weird sense that my most recent publications are hint pieces (well, one is a hint piece, the other is slightly longer). "Terms and Conditions" (25 words) appears in issue 7 of The Los Angeles Review, alongside work by Benjamin Percy, Rick Bass, and a slew of other great writers. (My deepest thanks to Stefanie Freele for being kind enough to accept the story in the first place.)

"NSFW" (34 words) appears in the premiere issue of Sententia, alongside work by Roxane Gay, Adam Robinson, and a slew of other great writers. (My deepest thanks to Ryan W. Bradley for accepting the story in the first place.)

I'm thrilled to be included in both publications, and to show just how thrilled I am, I'm having another giveaway/contest, this one in honor of Holden McGroin.

You see, because Narrative didn't seem to want to hire Holden as an intern (I can't imagine why not), his Penultimate Paragraph Contest idea has not seen fruition. So I figured I'd help him out and host the very first Penultimate Paragraph Contest!

What do you need to do to enter? In the comments section simply post the penultimate paragraph of one of your short stories. The stories don't have to be published, but if they are published online, please provide a link so we can check out the rest of your story (note that if you do provide a link, my site might think it's spam and hold it for moderation, so if that does happen, don't fret, it will appear shortly).

Deadline is Friday midnight eastern time, with winners announced at some point during the weekend. This giveaway/contest will have two winners: one person whose penultimate paragraph I'll pick as my favorite, and another person selected randomly. (Note that if you're reading this on Facebook and want to enter, please do so at the main website.)

Come on, people, this will be fun. Get crack-a-lackin!